The Values Jewellery Box

A former client who I am in an ongoing three year conversation with recently asked me about what I see as one of the key but under-discussed challenges of doing values work. 

She was talking about what happens when you have found your values (what a relief!) but that two of your values seem to butt up against each other. 

I’ll explain what she means with an example. Let’s say you’ve done the work, you’ve looked at your values and you realise, you KNOW, that your values include not working hard and making lots of money.

How, she was asking me, would you deal with this conundrum? Do you discard one of the values (never, that’s not how values work!) or do you spend your life in a constant seesaw trying to balance your need to not work too much and wanting to earn lots of money?

There are of course other examples of values that appear to be in opposition to each other. How about making a difference and financial security or ambition and family. 

You cannot simply decide to discard one of your values in favour of the other.  

I mean, you can but you will live a half life where a key aspect of yourself feels as if it’s missing. And living in a world where you are constantly trying to balance your values at all times? That seems like a waste of your precious energy.

It’s a paradox.

Well, aren’t we all deliciously complicated and paradoxical beings? Are we not all picking and choosing parts of ourselves to bring forward for different situations?

Values can be a constant foundation for some people but for others they are there to help you when you need them. It is rare that you would be using all your core values at once. And you certainly aren’t doing that all the time.

Your values aren’t a balancing act. They are like jewellery.

You don’t wear all your jewellery at once. You don’t wake up and say

“alright, I will put on three necklaces, a different earring in each ear and put on my grandmother’s brooch too because I have them all and therefore must use them all”.

No.

You pick and you choose.

Sometimes, you will wear your grandmother's brooch. Sometimes, you will opt for something striking and strong in silver or warm and gentle in gold. And sometimes, the day requires that you wear some giant plasticky tat. Just to cheer you up. Or because the colour makes your outfit pop. 

Your values are exactly the same.

For example, my top two core values (of 5) are joy and effortlessness. They guide me at a foundational level on how I can have a career that is fulfilling for me.

And when challenges arise, it’s not that I need to constantly reach for both (and certainly never all 5) and try to make things both joyful and effortless. Instead I have a jewellery box of values to dip into. To guide me and support me when I need them.  

And how do I choose, how do I know which value is the right one in any given situation, Tamara?  

Such a good question, glad you asked.  In the same way that we need to choose values intuitively, not logically, intuition is going to guide you when you are not sure which of your values is the right way to enhance your approach to a challenge. 

Ask.  It will tell you. 

If you have values that appear to be in conflict with each other and have been struggling to balance them, try thinking about them as a jewellery box from which you get to select something beautiful, precious or perhaps useful and on a case by case basis.